Friday, October 31, 2008

Is it us?

So I keep having all these questions on my mind. How is it all gonna end? Is this all? Will we meet our loved ones who has passed again?

Living in this world and trying to get by is a challenging case. We all struggle with different things and problems. Behind every face it is a story to tell. Some times I wonder how many people who has a sad story like experienced bad things. Or a positive, no struggling nor problems in their lives. When I see peoples in stores, outside and around I always wonder how they became who they are. What they have been trough and where they are going. And when you meet that certain someone. What is accepted behavior and what is not?

Letting people in your life is a huge deal. All the things you share and conversations you have. In life there should be a greater yourself and when you meet your significant other you get that. And in your friends you will even get a shine on yourself. So take good care of the people you love and want in your life. It is not a given that they will be here forever, so give it the best you got and let them know that you care.
And for my friends, family and coworkers, you are all fantastic people who makes it all much easier. I feel blessed who got these people in my life who brings out my best and positive self. I have gotten the question, where do I get my positive spirit from? And it is an easy answer. One day I said to myself that there is no use in being negative, so i decided to be happy!

But still I do not know what is going on. I am not sure or is it just that I am slow? But I have decided to stop being a paper chaser and just live my life! As for the freedom I crave and need to be me I get. It is a weird thing this situation. But I guess this is how it should be and i do love it! But now it is late and I have to put myself in bed and get some beauty sleep. It has been a great night with "Snowboard Awards Galla" and these lovely ladies and laughter! So to all good night and sweet dreams!


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Mood

Now a days it is a little up side down. But it is getting better, my optimistic self is coming back. And the shifting i spoke about earlier is actually happening. Believe it or not!

I have all these dreams at night. Weird and real feeling. I wake up with my heart in my throat and do not know where I am. It is kind of scary, because I am used to know where i am at. There is rarely a day in life I doubt what I am doing. But since I lost my dad, I got this new insight in what life can bring. And that I have to stop and smell the violets. Chill out, tune in and just let my inner child come out and play. There is no use in trying to do to much. Because sometimes then I do get disappointed. I am not sure how you feel. But it is not giving me the inner peace that I want for myself.

So for the years to come I will remember to take it slow and not rush into things or situations. I would love for my life to just fall into the pieces, but what about all the fun in between? Is it possible to get what you want? Can I think myself into the life I would love to live? This is a possibility that I yet have to explore further. There are no certain answer to this yet, but as my years go on I will keep you posted. Do not regret on things and never wish you should, just do it! Let you intuition get you started and just take off. There is nothing that is to dumb, stupid or difficult for you to do. All the chances we get her in life, it would be stupid not to take them. Go outside your box and try new things. Think about everything you can experience and all the people you can meet and.

OK, so it can be difficult for some of you, I do get that. But just get down and let it rip. Do not be afraid for acting like a fool or fall on your ass. Let people around you know your mood and how you feel. I know for myself that it is not easy telling them how things really are. But if you just open your heart and try it will come.
And i get that waiting is something that comes with living this life.


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Is it me..

I keep wondering about all the incidents in life. Is it all written i stone? Are things happening for a reason. Do we meet people and miss out on stuff because there is a bigger meaning to it all?

I know that things happens because it is suppose to happen. But there is detours in life that make things go slower or just take another turn. But is it luck or is it what it is? This is a question that comes up from time to time. Whether you believe in faith or not. It will always go trough your mind once or more. I have to say that I do believe that things do happen for a reason. So think on that.
My mind do change itself some times, but in the end I am always left with the thought that it is what it is. I truly think that we end up in the situations we are suppose to be in. All the settings and people around you help us on our way. But in the end we are making our own destiny. So can you really make a person love you?

I have heard stories about girls who has literary thrown themselves after the person they want. And they have ended up with that certain someone too. But is that real love? Is it for ever? All these questions, but no one to answer them for me. I believe that in life you and I will get many chances to fall in love. To have a person that will accept you for who you truly are and love everything about you. I also know that this can take time, but like I said before, my patient sucks big time! With my wandering heart and mind I move on and forget what i feel. But someone who makes me feel real, that is what I am looking for. Never the less a person who will let me know that I am the one. I am from "The Sex And the City" generation. And in despite of stamping on some toes, we ladies are a mix of them ladies. In one we are all a little bit of everything. The thing is that I just want to fit in, somewhere, anywhere. Without having people questioning me and me questioning myself if I am acting like I should.
So if we could just fuck the game a little bit, be honest and sincere and then go back to the game with an new look on everything. It is easier to play a game, give it all if you know for sure. Not that I need the " I-love-you-till-death-do-us-part" part. Just the it-is-you-for-now-lets-see-whats-happens part. It would just be nice to have someone. But it is the "coulda, woulda, shoulda".

And oh, yes, I wrote earlier that I like someone, I still do. But I am kind of in a weird state of mind. I have this thing about rushing things in my head. And guess what, it is starting to take a part out of me. I lose myself, forget where I am from and who I really am. But this time around I will play the game. Because it is exciting and mysterious. So the ball is rolling and there is no way no one can stop it! I see this and know that it will fuck things up, not only things, but myself as well. But why live the life without the excitements and the games that comes with it. And I must say that in the end, loving someone it is the best thing in the whole world!

Sex, you can have with anybody. Real love is a secret thing. But you can not rush love...


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Monday, October 27, 2008

Patient

Time will tell what is up. Or is it that we all make our own destiny? Can we lose something on the way if we are not how we should be in certain situations.

I have this thing with over analyzing or to be clearer, see things in a whole other way. My brain just turn things around. Instead of remembering what has really happened. I just twist and turn it around until my mind see a different thing from what was the reality. And this thing you call patient, would you please teach me how this works. I am kind of black and white in that area. There is no in between and that bothers me a bit. I do not hustle anyone. I never make anyone do anything they do not want to do. I never nag. But I have to say that this waiting thing, it is not my thing. I do not like this at all!

Why is it so difficult to let someone know what is going on. Is it that I am not worth the time it takes to say it or is it that you just do not want to say it! The one thing I have to say against this is FUCK THIS! I do not wait for no one. I do not like losing control and that is what is happening now, so just forget about it. I also know that it is me, but I am not cut out for this.. This is how you lose me!

So now you all know how some things works inside the little and fucked up head of mine. It is extremely weird and complicated, I can see that now. In writing, here in front of me. It is what it is, nothing less, nothing more!

So just live your life, you are not getting younger...


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Is It You..

Why are things complicated, or is it really? Is it just that I am not used to things being easy. Is it that in my life there has always been struggle. So now when the pieces just fit it is hard to take it for what it is worth.

Will this then be my underground? My self digging struggle between what is reality and what is not. I am not sure what is what. But in the end I just have to trust the people around me. And believe that their intentions are good. Because if I do think otherwise I just get sad and hurt. But I have becoming extremely good at shutting things out. Like my feelings and people. I always had this conclusion that it is best to just move on. So I do. But sometimes I do judge a situation a little bit to fast. So I have to learn this. I see myself from outside and think why do I think these thoughts. It has never been my strongest side, showing my feelings and letting others know what I feel.

So this snaps me back to reality, it is cold and harsh. But it is hard for me to see the real you sometimes. Because my mind play these tricks on me. Like putting ideas in my head that are non existing. This is where I see why the people I know say that I am complicated. It is not something I choose to be. I try and try not to. But there is somethings that I just can not control. I am working with myself on this subject, so I am aware. And I know that it is something that will pass.

But sometimes I just feel left out. I get this feeling of not belonging anywhere. I do not like this. It gives me headaches and makes me sad and locked down. And when I do do this, go inside myself I see all the things that are bad. Yes, I do still love myself like I wrote earlier. Now more than ever. I am also more secure in myself. And I do know what I am capable of. But some people just do not see this I guess. My Insecurity and doubts. Because from the outside I am an independent lady with a voice that is heard. I have these meanings that would irritate a stone. But do not use this against me. I do, and I can swear on this. Accept people for who they are. I would never change a person nor would I want someone to be like me. I like the unique mix of people. The small things that makes you you. I just want this to work out. Now that I finally feel kind of complete. It gives me a satisfaction and peace inside that I have been searching for.

There is to much inside this head of mine from time to time. But when time passes and you learn to know me this will not be a problem. Even so it is not a problem now I know that. I just need conformations. Not all the time. Yes, and I do know that you can never promise anything for sure. But just the knowing of that it is you!


Copyright © 200 Lady AhY

Hate it!

People wait.. I do not! So sorry - just forget about it!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Winter time..

Here comes a new season. Every year it is the same. But it is still a surprise to everybody. The wind twirls and the leaves fall. But the colors, oh so beautiful!

I must say that this is the beginning of something great! This time around I hope I am smarter and more aware of whats coming to me. I have opened up my mind and soul for what is coming. Now I know what I have been searching for all these years. It is this thing we call love. The feeling of being appreciated and genuinely loved by someone else. Not someone that wants to change me, just to make me better and all the best I can be. To bring out my glow and shine. The one that never judge me, but take me for who I am. And all that comes with it.
I know I have my flaws, but that is whats makes me me. All my little things and gadgets. I must say that I really starting to love myself again. Not becoming Self ridged. But just more aware about how capable I really am.

I have had years where I have been unsatisfied with myself and my world. But now this winter 08, it is coming back. Everything has shifted, uplifted and brought me back to life again. I do not know how, I just feel this inside. This life is to short to regret and think about things. Action say more than thousand words. And according to Ernest Hemingway you can say it with only six words.

So here is my story; "Life is grand, so live it!"

Do remember to be grateful for everything that comes your way and never regret the things you have done. What is done it is done, and it stays in the past forever and ever!


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Thursday, October 23, 2008

False or True

Things are not like they always seems. Sometimes I make things up in my head it looks like. Why is that?
So I forget some details from time to time. And it looks like it is just hurting me and myself.

Why is it hard for me to remember certain details from conversations? Is it maybe because my mind just wander of sometimes.
Just think about all the times that this has happened to me and I have not been aware about this. And all the times no one said anything. Shit, I really have to get my head together again. For real this time! I just wish that there were some way in sorting all this out. Remembering whats what and what has been said. That would help me big time from time to time.
But what would I know. I fuck things up from time to time. Those whom know me, stay with me. But those who I would love to have in my life sometimes dissapears.

I have to say that I wrote something here that got deleted, because I could not undo it back. And like I told you all my mind just keeps on wondering away. I sometimes lose all control over it. WEIRD!

But the thing that is most important today is that I did not lose anything, neither did I yesterday. Even though I thought so.
It is all in my head. For fucking sake! Get a grip woman!

So for this my new tune is; Briskar & Magitman - Hot Winter.

I have to say that all this nervousness comes from a guy. What else would it be. What could disturb a person like this except the person you have a crush on? I am just wondering. I like this guy.. And I must say that I lose some of myself when this happens.
But when I do have the time and get the time, I collect myself from the shattered pieces and get a grip over everything. Like I hope I will this time. He is a good person, with a warm heart and loving soul. If I am not mistaken, and i rarely am.
But this ship can only go one way. And that is the right one! My intuition and mind tells me things, for as my heart.
It is just that sometimes I wish I could be sure. Why do we put our heart and souls in another person like this?

I have to eat a pill i think, just to chill out from all this - I just wish I had the confident to say how much i like you instead... But there is no end or beginning to that. You would not know neither will you. But one thing is for sure and that is that I will not stop live my life!


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

People

I am not really sure how to say this without me seeming cold or harsh, but some people are just to much to handle. Why do they not understand simple words? Is it me that is unclear?

These games people play. I must say that I do not really understand why. Yes, excitement is very exciting and mystery is a great fun and attractive. But in the end it will just drive someone away. I am now 26, will be 27 years in December and I am not getting younger. Even though I am not old at all. It feels like my years just fly away. My life is filled with memories of a life that I would not have been without. And me as a person would not have been the same if I did not experienced these things I have.
As it has come to me no one would be the person he or she is today if it was not for the life they have lived. All the people you meet and things that happens in one life. It has an impact on how you will be as a person. Take myself for example, I have been trough a lot. So in general I try to be a better person, but sometimes my mind just overload and I snap a little.
And I have to say that I am surprised over all the stupidity in this world we live in.

But in all this we find a place in our hearts to be happy and positive. And in my mind for as long as you stay optimistic it will all sort it selves out.
As the same for finding someone special. I am not sure about that either. To trust someone with your heart is not an easy thing to do. Neither is it for sure!
But I really hope that you guys or if you are men enough to call you men, know what you are doing. So teach what you preach and always say what you mean!
I do not know why so many of you are assholes, and I know we women do wrong sometimes as well. But we are generally just trying to be good to the one. But the things is that i wonder how you can treat a women this way. Why do you want to have a bad reputation?

Anyways we can all have bad days, but still keep it real and do not be haters!

It is all LOVE!!


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Birthdays

So my dads birthday was yesterday. My minds not quiet yet. But will it ever be? In a subtle way it gives me peace to know that he is out of pain.

In the stars birthdays has a different meaning. They give an insight in somehow who you are as a person. Is this true or just assumptions?
I must say that i do believe in astrology. I know that some of them are generally in meaning. But there are some that just hit it!
There are many stories about girls who found love in a person who has the same birthday as their father. But I am not saying that it is so. I believe that love just hit you when you last expect it. Like death. Some things in life neither of us can help happening. The world always spin. Lives always happen and it is taken away. So we just go with the flow. In peace, trying to get the best out of the time we get here. It has come clear to me that nothing lasts forever..

My body and head feels like it is on pause. I do not understand this. I do not sleep, I am exhausted, but not tired. And still inside I feel happy, some kind of peace that I have not felt in years. Is this my guardian angel? Might be or it could be that I am on my way to find myself and see things clearly. Or is it that life just happens when I close my eyes?
What happens when you close your eyes? Do you see things, get signs or does someone speak to you?
I am not sure about whats what sometimes. But I know I do believe in the good in people, love, family, heart and soul. So in the end it will all be good, for the fact, it will be great!

I have never been one who celebrated my birthdays. But it gets me thinking. We should never quit on people. Let them in your life. Let people shine of you! They will be thankful, not because you have given them anything in particular. Just because you pay it forward.
I truly believe that in life I get chances, different paths and choices to make. Just think about different parties, like birthdays, Christmas, new years, socializing with your coworkers, family and friends. and the last one, the person you love, your best friend in life! The one you can always count on.

It feels like I am babbling to much. But there is a lot in my head now..

Live and Love!


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Monday, October 13, 2008

Let's stay together

I know that love does not come overnight. It takes time. You meet all these people in your life. Through schools, friends, work and every other place you go.

My mom and dad (RIP) had 40 good years together. They never fought or had disagreements. They had a great marriage! The downside to this is that they will not grow old together. Since he died of cancer on the 1. of Oct 08, my mind has been blocked. But when it all quiet down at night and there is no one around me it comes back. The image of him, lying there helpless and sick.
My god i hate this illness! How can a disease break down a person like that. It does not look like the person you once knew. Cancer is an illness we have no control over. And all you can do is to be there and hope for the best!
His birthday is coming up, 15th of Oct, he would have been 62. It is to young! But he is in peace now and out of pain.

I am still sad and feeling sorrow. But as we all know life goes on. Tomorrow it is back to reality. I am actually looking forward to coming back to work. The people I work with are good, happy and positive! I am very glad for having colleagues like I do. It helps a lot when I am in this situation as I am now. And that I have been open with my friends and colleagues about this.
So for the sake of not leaving someone feeling forgotten. My friends whom are here for me, I really do appreciate all the kind words and patients you have been giving me trough this time! But I still do need all of you. I love you dearly now and forever!! I am here for you too, any time!

I still do feel lonely. It is nobodies fault, but my own. I never share these thoughts or words. But in a world like we live in we all feel lonely some times, do we not? I can even feel lonely when I am in room filled with people.


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY