Rest in peace Dad..

So here went a new weekend, This time around I was in Tønsberg, the town where I grew up. Visiting my family and my friends. Hooking up and dancing the night away with champagne. Had a GREAT night!

I visited my father on Friday, it has been two weeks since I saw him and the changes are huge! My heart aches and my mind do not know how to react. I do not know what to say anymore. And for you who know me, that is a first for me! It is hard to be myself and act "normal" around a person who is in so much pain. The only thing I want to do is to hold my father and tell him that everything will be alright!

And now it is, in some way. He has no more pain and died in peace.

I have spent a few days writing this, so much has happened!
My father, REST IN PEACE! Died the 1st of October. I got a call from my mom and she told me that he was worse. So my sister and I took the train home. The whole family where there, mom, my brother and sister and our aunt ( dads sister). I must say that I hate this illness, cancer. I would not wish it for my worst enemy, never! To see a person I love so much just slip away like that in front of me was like losing my heart! I wish there was something that I could do or say just to make this easier for the next person who experiences this, but there is not. The only thing that exist is hope and that you maybe will be cured. But the harsh truth is that some do die. But remember your friends and family. They love you no matter what! And your life goes on and you will never be alone!

My thoughts and love go out to all of you who have lost someone you love!!

I love you dad, now and forever! See you in our next life..


LIVESTRONG

Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Inside

For the moment I feel paralyzed. My brain and heart are non existing for now. I am walking around on automatic. So if you push me outside a cliff now I will just roll down the hill without uttering as much as an pip.

Inside it feels like my heart is made of stone. I do not know how to let me feel or open up my channels and just cry. Today I am going home to my Mom. My father is getting worse now. He has to use a wheelchair and it is heartbreaking to think about this. I am not sure how my family really handle this, because we do not talk about feelings so much.
I know that this is affecting our psyche. I feel more an more exhausted. I almost do not sleep. But I got some new sleeping pills from my doctor, so maybe I will get a full night this weekend. I have not slept an whole night in months. My mind is like a big pile of raisins, mashed together like I do not know how to describe. I really feel like just lay down and cry! My head feels like it will explode all over soon. My skeleton aches and my knees are hurting so bad that I want to cut them of right now!

And to you who read my blog, I do not know if someone do follow me and my thoughts. But I am grateful if some of you do take the time to read what I write! It has come to me that some of my friends actually do read what I write. And even feel that I speak of them. I do write about situations and the people who are in my life. So if you feel that it is you in some way, it probably is with a little twist. My intentions are not to make you feel bad, just to show you the inside of my world.
And you are all special to me, I admire and love each and every one of you! For those who do not know how to approach me because of what is happening with my father, just be my friend and be yourselves!

Appreciate!!


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Live and learn

As the days goes by my mind just fly away and my appetite for life gets bigger and bigger. Do not know what is happening at the moment, but i can feel that there is something shifting inside me.

And as for me and myself things just seems weird. I am in a chocolate state of mind. Must say that some of my weaknesses here in life is the love for sweets and food. I can never turn down food. Even tho I am allergic to lactose and gluten. It has not stopped me yet. But I can feel it inside when I eat these kinds of food. But oh my so good they are! And all these cakes! Come on someone - please make a cake for us who are allergic. Like the ones that are in the deli stores, pretty please?!?

I have changed my mind a little about the written in stone comment.. Maybe not everything is, but that we get a few choices and they have a little impact on what will happen. But that some things are happening because it has to! Because I am a free spirit in my mind and I want to stay that way inside without having something reflect my actions and choices I make. This is so I can stay "free", not be bound to anything in this universe. I got this urge to be able to, in my mind, feel as there is nothing that holds me back or set a limit for what I can do here in life. But I have learned, without me being willing to it, that there is only so much you can do at one time. And this is still a little disturbing. Even though I am 26 years old now! I would love it if everything I think and thought of were already done yesterday. But it has come to me now that I do not have to do more than one thing at the time. I truly thought that I had to do it all at once. So this brought me an inner peace that I have not felt in years. I wish I had a person in my life who told me this years ago. So to all of you who do not know if you made the right choice in life. Do not think to much about it, you have so many possibilities and decisions to make ahead of you. Listen to your heart, be optimistic and smile!


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Complicated

So I am complicated. Or is it just that I am different from others? I think that the reason for that is that I do adapt. Like the chameleons I change color and shape without me trying to do that. It is actually just happening. Maybe I am an alien!

It can sometimes go the other way. When I do let go and act on impulse. Some think I do or say these things because I am angry or have problems with them. But it is not like that! I have these comments about stuff. Unimportant stuff, not even enough to think about in my mind. But it has come to me that some of you might take them as criticism. That is not my intention at all. If I do have a problem with someone the person will know it. I am not afraid to speak my mind about any subject. Except when it comes to my feelings. So do not think that I have a grudge towards any of you!
And like I said, people are different. We are individuals who act and react differently. Some people smile, some do not and others have a stone face. Me on the other hand is almost always smiling. So when I do not, I am often misunderstood for being angry or cranky! I do not like that. The thing at the moment is that I am in a difficult place in my life. My father has cancer and it is starting to get to me. I can see how I do change sometimes over small things. Like my mind just want to tell you, "get over it - it is not worth complaining about 20nkr. Fuck it there is so much more important and bigger things to use that energy on!!" But I do see that some people have to sweat the small stuff. But please come on. Do not let that take over your lives!

I will take a step back and chill out. But yes, I guess I am kind of complicated - I am just human and a little weird.

LIVESTRONG!


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

True or false?

So it is weekend and people are making plans to do whatever. I live with these people who are extremely weird sometimes.
It is like I said before - you never really know the people around you.
We put on a facade, some do it cold and others are just false! The worst a person ever can be is false. I will never understand how you can use another person for your own gain without giving something back!

So with saying this and mentioning my roommates has nothing to do with each other! I just read an ebook about "How to keep a man interested in you". And I do live with four men!
I am guessing this goes for friends and vice versa. If you take a look at your friendships it is like dating. We wine and dine all these people to keep them close. But why do we have to do all this work? I get that nothing is for free. But a friend should be a friend no matter what. And especially when a person goes trough a hard time in life!
I am not saying that my friends are not. But some might take to much distant! It is hard enough trying not to break down everywhere. And I can see myself that I have put on this mask for you all! Trying to make you believe that everything is cool. But as you would know - and as you will know now, it is not! It is just sad that I have to tell you all. Not having people in my life seeing this.

Anyways this is not me wanting you to start doing this now. But if you feel it, it is probably true. And I am not trying to get people to change. Because I am far from perfect myself. But I wish i were better at staying in touch with the people i care about! So I have to say to you all - you must know i love you all dearly, you are always in my head and heart! And you know who you are. It is not like I have a million friends. I have a few. And a lot of acquaintances.
For making my own life easier and more pleasant I will try to sort out the things in life i do not need. The negative influences and headaches. Because as I said before there is a lot in this head of mine! I do not know where it all comes from. But with writing I am getting some of it out and away. And the best of this is that I can go back and read about it. And then think - what? Was I for real?

It said in this ebook that women often have a tendency to get to "needy" even though you are a confident strong women! But why do we have to play all these games? I understand that in the beginning of things it is exciting and thrilling. But as time goes by it should be more clear. You are with the person you want to share your life with - I am so for excitement and surprises! And not letting your relationship fit in a box. But be honest!
It said that when a guy says that he is not ready to commit, it is because the women he is with is not the women he wants to be with. I back that up! I truly believe that. And as a women myself it is true. I have also used that line. And the reason being exactly what the men are saying.
But if you thought otherwise, and I really hope you did not. You all know the truth and it goes for both men and women! No exceptions!

We are all looking for love, someone to share our life and dreams with. So why not try a little honesty the next time.


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Maya-Aztec

So this is me
I can not say anything else but - Oh my this is ME!!


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Heritage

Where do I come from? You might know where you come from, but this is not a given.

As i keep wondering about this. It is starting to annoy me a little. I have all these questions, but no one to ask them to.
Here is the story so far: My Korean name is Kim, Hwa Yoo and I am adopted from South Korea. Came to Norway when i was almost 3,5 years old. From the first two years of my life there is no knowledge of where I spent my life. It says in my papers that I was found in Busan. That is the second largest city in South Korea. I would love to know more about where i come from and what my genes are!
I keep wondering about if I have more siblings out here. Or is it just me?

Of course I have my family here in Norway. And I have a sister who is adopted from South Korea as well. But she is satisfied with being "Norwegian". Me on the other hand is not. I don not feel Norwegian even though I speak fluent Norwegian and have a Norwegian passport. I do not feel home in this culture. But I do adapt like i always do. I found out over the years that that is something I am really good at actually. So I live my life to the fullest and try not to miss out on anything I want to do. Living for the moment and not thinking about the consequences at all times. As I come back to this I really want to have my own family, start my own tree! This is something that is in my heart! And my family values are high. I will do anything for my family. And as things are now my mind is with my mom, little sister, little brother and father. I wish there was something I could do or say. But I can only be here, trying to get to know them better. Keeping things as "normal"as can be and spreading my optimistic nature.
I love all my family so much that it is hard for me seeing them like this! We all struggle in our own way...


Copyright © 2008 Lady Ahy

Love

Why is this so hard to find. Is it because I only speak of it and never put my words into action?

In my whole life I have been looking and I still do. All these chats with my friends. None of us are getting wiser. It is hard to understand love. You have to meet the person when the light is green - go green! So tell me now you who read this: Why is it so?

I have been thinking that it is me who is looking for the wrong person. But what is right and what is wrong in this matter. Is there an answer to that? You have to share something, but still learn from the other person. It is important to me that the significant other challenges my mind. I am a talker, but I do babble a lot sometimes. I need someone who stands up for me and dears to say against me. Someone who do not misunderstands my words and actions. I have a certain way. Some say I am complicated. I say that I am not. If you really know me you will not think that. Because the things I say and do are sometimes just a response or a fact. Not me trying to "cut of your hand." I am easily misunderstood and i see that in my friends at time. The ones who think that I do things because I am angry or pissed. But I am not. In general I except a lot. More than you would think. I just have certain comments that I can not stop. I am now working on them, because they are becoming more and more clear to me.

And all these thoughts - where do they all come from? I have my mind filled with stuff. Sometimes it is so much that I do not know what is reality and whats not. And the people who say they know me so well. I do not know really. You say you do and still my intuition tells me you think of me otherwise. Maybe it is my mind playing tricks on me.
This should not me difficult! I met a friend I have not seen in years yesterday. It was like nothing have changed. She has a boyfriend and said that it had never been so "easy". It was no games and complicated stuff. And it came to me that that is how it should be. There should not be a lot of problems. Then when you know it is wrong!

But what do I know - I am single!

I have a lot of people contacting me again after years not seeing them. It is a little weird. I keep wondering why? My antennas are non existing. So if you do not just want to be my friend. Tell me straight! But also do not take this literary! I do not wonder if all of you want something more. I do often misunderstand these sign for friendship. Because in my little world everybody just wanna be friends.
There are often elderly men stopping me at the street and asks if we can go for coffee or home to my place. What is up with that? What do I look like? I am curious!


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Thoughts...

I do not know why I think so much. At times my mind just take over and goes wild. I have all these thoughts and things in my head and it is starting to crush my persona.
Everybody has stories, thoughts, family, illness, happiness, love, friends and so on. But some people are good at not letting stuff get to them. How do you do this? Is it something they have inside or is it something you learn over years.

And the difference between men and women! Man they are huge. I was out on a Sunday stroll yesterday with a friend of mine. He has both his legs and a head on the top. He told me things that I have not been thinking about. As that you can not be friends with your ex when you are a guy! So all of you guys who are "best friends" with your ex, is that because you want to have some sort of control? And if you keep having sex with your ex you are still in some kind of relationship?

He also have good values and a good job. Getting youngsters to understand why they should not use drugs. He is a project manager in a new position. Made from youth organizations. As he travels around to Stockholm, London and other cities for conventions and listen to different people talk about how to keep youngsters away from drugs. When we went to school they had a project called "From Heaven To Hell". Where police tried to scare us to not try drugs. I will not say that it worked. Because I think that people that works with that should have experience.
It is easier for young people to see whats what if you show them reality! In these days I think a lot of people agree to that. They also know that if you do not have a network around you you can easily hit rock bottom! But where do the limit go?

As for myself I truly think that a person will try and do whatever he or she wants. Not thinking about the consequences during that time. But maybe open their eyes after a while and see. That people do go under, some die and some live their whole life as drug addicts. Others will go trough life without the people around them even knowing about their "wildlife".
These people has in others eyes just experienced with drugs. And people say, "I knew you would be alright. You are a strong person." That is just a comforting thought for yourselves!

When you think you know someone. Do you really ever? I am wondering about that so often that it has almost taken over my whole brain. I have people, friends, exes and family that say they know me. But I am not sure they do. Why do they not see how I am feeling? I know that some of it may be my own fault. Because I come out as a strong, harsh and cold person. But as i said before, I have feelings. I am a sensitive person. I am not as strong as everybody thinks. But they get this perception of me because I always smile. So I have to let my guard down. Let them see the real me. How do you do this?

I have been trough so much in my short life. I have seen the dark side of life. Looked into peoples darkest places. It is not a pleasant thing! But i still live. Like they say, I am "strong". But what defines strong? Is it that you have to experience horrible things?
That is not right. Some things that I have been trough I would not wish for my enemy! And this time around it is seeing my father getting more and more sick. It is heartbreaking! But it also gives me a new perspective to life. And i know that there is a lot of people whom i know that been through the same. Life goes on whatever. It is a harsh cold world! But it is for the sake of the people around us we do that. I known people who laid down and died because they lost their loved ones. When you only have one other person in life it is hard to go on with your life. I truly understand that!


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Time

What are we going to do about it all. Is it written in stone? All the things that happens to a person in life.

Are we all just pieces in a pod?

As the time goes by I keep wondering about all the incidents in life. All the things we go trough in one life. All the people we meet. There is a reason for all this I think. If you go back in time you find the thin red line and see how it all connects. Do not forget to remember whats what in between those lines. Every time you meet a new person, move, change your profession and break something off. It is because there is something to it. Something that is waiting for you to find it. I search and search - for people, LOVE, heritage, a place to be me and a world that is in harmony.

It is all question mark that I do not understand. I thought I did, but it hit me in the back and told me the truth. You never know someone! It is an unseen world in another dimension that I just do not get. But this is what it is. The time we spend in our everyday life to try to get it. But do we ever really get it?

I think as time passes by we adapt. Just accept things and situations, words and people. I have a problem with just accepting. I have the urge to know why, where and when. Some say I think to much. Other say i talk to much. I think neither. I am just me and no one else. It is to hard to try to be someone else. I often say things just to get an reaction. But it is just things. If someone would take the time to sit down and really talk to me they would be surprised. But would they ever know the real me?


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY