I do...

I do miss you, even though I don't express my feelings. But just to show you that I'm not heartless. I'm gonna tell you all how it is..

Honestly I feel lonely. There's something missing in my life. Like having someone that asks me if I'm alright. Taking the time to really show me that they care. Not that I don't believe that no one does. But there's so much that I want to talk about. If I dared I would let my guard fall. If you had the time, I would tell you how I really feel inside. My heart hurts and I'm sad. It's hard to admit this, but it's the truth. But it's hard for me to trust people. Not that you are not trustworthy, but I have a hard time opening myself to others! So now I'm in a bad place and I just want this to go away. I wish that I could just pick up the phone and call you and tell you this. But it's not that easy. What if you don't care? Why is it hard for me to understand if you're for real?

I'm thinking sometimes if it's all me. Because I'm flaky and all over the place. Never have I felt like I had a home or belonged anywhere. But now I got these feelings for you and I'm afraid to tell you. Because I'm scared that you don't want the same. Even though I believe you do.. I just want you to get this. That it's things inside me that I need to talk about. I have a side of myself that just a few of you've seen.
So even though I always smile, I'm not happy. Very often I'm sad, but as I think of this as a sign of weakness I never show this side to you or anyone for that matter. So when I say I don't care I often do. I see it clearly now, this complicated side some of you have mentioned before. But I wish for you to get this. Let me be a part of your life and take a part in mine. So this is why I easily move on without looking back. I don't let myself get to attached to anything. So when I do I often pretend like I don't care. And I've become a master in not letting anyone in! And this hurts now! It's not that I don't want to, It's that I don't believe you want to.. And I know that's wrong, but my mind's set that way.

So this is why I don't believe... Because no one has yet figured out my code.. Or is it that I've never let anyone close enough?

It hurts when someone you love die - so to all of you who lost someone close to you, my thoughts go to you!




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