Pink Ribbon...

It's all coming back to me now. The feelings around my dad, the illness and all the insecurity that comes with not knowing. Even though I have to say that I don't believe somethings wrong before it's on paper.

Yesterday I watched Oprah, yes I do that sometimes. And it was about breast cancer. The one whom survived it and the history around how the pink ribbon came to life. Just push the headline, there's a link.

Why I write about this today is that I'm having my biopsy tonight at 6pm, in my armpit. Because I found a lump about a month ago, I went to my doctor. Who sent me to mammography, that ended up with an ultrasound the same day and then the doctor asked me if I could come back for a biopsy the next week. All the thoughts that went trough in my head then. I know there's nothing to worry about, but I just lost my dad to cancer so like human nature it's natural to react on this. When I was done with my mammography and ultrasound I called my mom and freaked out for few minutes before I came back to myself. Then I went around a week with not thinking about this. So yesterday when I saw this on Oprah it shook my bones! And my thoughts begin to wander again.
But I've got all odds with me, because I'm young and it's probably just a gland. And I met a lot of young survivors from cancer.

So until tonight I'm sitting here with my cold and wait for Lena to come home. She's coming with me and I'm thankful! This is one of these things I'm glad for having someone with me on. Otherwise I'm an independent woman!



Copyright © 2009 Lady AhY

True or false?

So it is weekend and people are making plans to do whatever. I live with these people who are extremely weird sometimes.
It is like I said before - you never really know the people around you.
We put on a facade, some do it cold and others are just false! The worst a person ever can be is false. I will never understand how you can use another person for your own gain without giving something back!

So with saying this and mentioning my roommates has nothing to do with each other! I just read an ebook about "How to keep a man interested in you". And I do live with four men!
I am guessing this goes for friends and vice versa. If you take a look at your friendships it is like dating. We wine and dine all these people to keep them close. But why do we have to do all this work? I get that nothing is for free. But a friend should be a friend no matter what. And especially when a person goes trough a hard time in life!
I am not saying that my friends are not. But some might take to much distant! It is hard enough trying not to break down everywhere. And I can see myself that I have put on this mask for you all! Trying to make you believe that everything is cool. But as you would know - and as you will know now, it is not! It is just sad that I have to tell you all. Not having people in my life seeing this.

Anyways this is not me wanting you to start doing this now. But if you feel it, it is probably true. And I am not trying to get people to change. Because I am far from perfect myself. But I wish i were better at staying in touch with the people i care about! So I have to say to you all - you must know i love you all dearly, you are always in my head and heart! And you know who you are. It is not like I have a million friends. I have a few. And a lot of acquaintances.
For making my own life easier and more pleasant I will try to sort out the things in life i do not need. The negative influences and headaches. Because as I said before there is a lot in this head of mine! I do not know where it all comes from. But with writing I am getting some of it out and away. And the best of this is that I can go back and read about it. And then think - what? Was I for real?

It said in this ebook that women often have a tendency to get to "needy" even though you are a confident strong women! But why do we have to play all these games? I understand that in the beginning of things it is exciting and thrilling. But as time goes by it should be more clear. You are with the person you want to share your life with - I am so for excitement and surprises! And not letting your relationship fit in a box. But be honest!
It said that when a guy says that he is not ready to commit, it is because the women he is with is not the women he wants to be with. I back that up! I truly believe that. And as a women myself it is true. I have also used that line. And the reason being exactly what the men are saying.
But if you thought otherwise, and I really hope you did not. You all know the truth and it goes for both men and women! No exceptions!

We are all looking for love, someone to share our life and dreams with. So why not try a little honesty the next time.


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Love

Why is this so hard to find. Is it because I only speak of it and never put my words into action?

In my whole life I have been looking and I still do. All these chats with my friends. None of us are getting wiser. It is hard to understand love. You have to meet the person when the light is green - go green! So tell me now you who read this: Why is it so?

I have been thinking that it is me who is looking for the wrong person. But what is right and what is wrong in this matter. Is there an answer to that? You have to share something, but still learn from the other person. It is important to me that the significant other challenges my mind. I am a talker, but I do babble a lot sometimes. I need someone who stands up for me and dears to say against me. Someone who do not misunderstands my words and actions. I have a certain way. Some say I am complicated. I say that I am not. If you really know me you will not think that. Because the things I say and do are sometimes just a response or a fact. Not me trying to "cut of your hand." I am easily misunderstood and i see that in my friends at time. The ones who think that I do things because I am angry or pissed. But I am not. In general I except a lot. More than you would think. I just have certain comments that I can not stop. I am now working on them, because they are becoming more and more clear to me.

And all these thoughts - where do they all come from? I have my mind filled with stuff. Sometimes it is so much that I do not know what is reality and whats not. And the people who say they know me so well. I do not know really. You say you do and still my intuition tells me you think of me otherwise. Maybe it is my mind playing tricks on me.
This should not me difficult! I met a friend I have not seen in years yesterday. It was like nothing have changed. She has a boyfriend and said that it had never been so "easy". It was no games and complicated stuff. And it came to me that that is how it should be. There should not be a lot of problems. Then when you know it is wrong!

But what do I know - I am single!

I have a lot of people contacting me again after years not seeing them. It is a little weird. I keep wondering why? My antennas are non existing. So if you do not just want to be my friend. Tell me straight! But also do not take this literary! I do not wonder if all of you want something more. I do often misunderstand these sign for friendship. Because in my little world everybody just wanna be friends.
There are often elderly men stopping me at the street and asks if we can go for coffee or home to my place. What is up with that? What do I look like? I am curious!


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY