Thoughts..

I'm not big on feelings, I'd rather give an impression of not caring. But I do. And when everything comes to an end, I wish I was!

I've been in love, but never really expressed my real feelings to the person it's been about. As some of my friends, they easily tell others how they feel, what they want and so on. I just say "whatever". I have a friend that recently got back together with his girlfriend. They haven't been dating that long, for as me who dated this guy for months now. And I'm really at that point that I may want something out of it. But how do I do this, do I tell him how I feel? The first thing that pops in my mind is to break it off! But my mom gave me this advice about not putting all my eggs out. And I must say that for as long as you're not in a relationship for real, why should you sit around and wait for someone?
And then we analyze, everything, up, down and from side to side. And If there's more room, we'll do it over and over and over.. Why do we destroy ourselves like this?
But every time I decide to confront another person, it always goes wrong. This is one of the reason why I don't plan things. And I miss out on the good ones?

Why is this so hard, what do you girls say to these guys to get them to be with you? I'm missing this gene.. Or maybe I've gotten to independent over the years. That I won't let a person under my skin enough so they'll feel appreciated and loved by me?




Copyright © 2009 Lady AhY

I'm weird like that..

Why is it so easy to change opinions, lifestyles, clothes, house, lovers, friends.. etc. ? And in the mix - do you loose yourself?

Personally I'm color changing, like the chameleon. I easily adapt, but I have a little bit of a problem sticking with it. My focus is not always here. Sometimes I just move on without thinking about it. Maybe it's because I'm feeling insecure and low self-esteemed in that particular moment or setting.

"Take care of your health by eating well and exercising. Find
your spiritual path. See a therapist to work through unresolved
issues, if necessary. Do the things you love - reading, dancing,
writing, watching movies, traveling around the world ...
Connect with friends. Learn all you can. Always be open to
growth, be it intellectual, spiritual or emotional. And listen
to your heart's desire, your calling ... and honor it."

I'm an independent lady that wants to be taken by storm. And yes I've been trough my share of bad relationships. But it takes two to tango. Sometimes we have to look inside ourselves to see and get what's really going on.
With me it's like I don't want to admit that I got feelings. I would be comfortable just being a shell. But it's not like that at all! I'm vulnerable, needs attention and love just like you. But I'm used to playing it hard, staying inside the box when it comes to love. I want to be humble, soft and be able to show my real feelings. Do you get it? Is this to much to ask for? I know that not everybody can read minds, but read this!

And for you Hockey fans, Manglerud Star made the qualification rounds, so tonight's the first match at their home arena against Furuset. So if you don't know what to do tonight, go to Manlgerud ice hall at Plogveien 22B, 0681 Oslo/Norway. It starts at 6.30pm, but they sell tickets from 5pm.

MS GO, MS GO, GO GO GO - YEAH!!!

I'm in the storm now - Superwoman is on!



Copyright © 2009 Lady AhY

A new side

So I've become one of them who starts my sentence with, my....says..blablabla..
And that's not a good thing I would say. So, SNAP, I'm out of it!

I'm thinking about what I'm going to do with my life. Why I'm here and can I make a change?
Wetter I can or can't it's more the journey to the answer than the answer straight out that interests me. And again with the thinking. My brain's maybe on overload. Nah, that's not possible. But I've set my brain on summertime! So sunshine, come on, I'm ready now!

But first, here's a few winter pics from my album; Even though these pictures are almost 4 years old it still seems like yesterday.. I took them on a trip to Hemsedal with Christine and her colleagues from Color Line in 2005!




Copyright © 2009 Lady AhY

Osteopath..

So my neck has locked itself again. This time Marius drove me to the ER, sounds worse than it is. I got some pills and the doctor said that I have to go to an Osteopath, so I had my first appointment there today at 11.30am. And I have to go back at 3pm today.

He says that it's stress related to my stomach problems. And as it dawned on me while I was talking with him, the Osteopath, it's all on my right side. The neck pains, back pains, hip pain and stomach. So he told me to lower my shoulders and chill out! For you who knows me, that's a little bit of a problem right there really. My inside's going around like a washing machine, twirl and twirls like an hurricane on speed! So I'm guessing he's right.

Alright, I do stress with a few things, but ain't that normal? Tell me - What's going around in your brain?

I've been trough a lot in my life, but that isn't an excuse to stress about things. And I know I think a lot, sometimes maybe a little bit too much for my own sake. I also have these discussions with myself.
- How often do you have an conversation with yourself, out loud?
I'm thinking this is something everybody does from time to time. Maybe some more often than others.

Alright I've been thinking about a lot and when I open my mouth and listen to myself it's sometimes weird hearing what's coming out. Because at times there's absolutely no control over what's coming. Just like here, I write about everything that pops up in my head. No need to plan this or something else if that matter. It all comes in it's own way. Nevertheless it's all a big question mark when it comes to analyzing me. But to make this easy for you who try, I'm easy like that. It's all about giving and receiving. When I feel appreciated I'm there always and forever. But do me wrong and it will take time before I take you in again. For all the times I've been treated wrong it takes equal amount to do it right again. So it's not you it's just all of it, the baggage. I might struggle with leaving things behind. My bad memories follow me wherever I go. And as time goes on, you'll get to know my deep dark secrets. But that takes some time. I do not open myself to others so often. Not because I don't trust you, it's because I'm afraid of being left alone. I'm guessing it's something that's connected with my early child hood.
I do get sad when people leave, for different reasons, I think it's heartbreaking when I have to say goodbye to someone I care for! And I take people in fast. As my nature does it easily I do get attached fast. But I can move on as easily as I got myself into it!

yeah, I see it clearly now! My mind just, swoosh, and it's gone. Just looking back at what's written here.. Hehe.. Anyways, I have to get going to my Osteopath.. So we'll speak later!

But it's all LOVE!!!




Copyright © 2009 Lady AhY

Love

Why is this so hard to find. Is it because I only speak of it and never put my words into action?

In my whole life I have been looking and I still do. All these chats with my friends. None of us are getting wiser. It is hard to understand love. You have to meet the person when the light is green - go green! So tell me now you who read this: Why is it so?

I have been thinking that it is me who is looking for the wrong person. But what is right and what is wrong in this matter. Is there an answer to that? You have to share something, but still learn from the other person. It is important to me that the significant other challenges my mind. I am a talker, but I do babble a lot sometimes. I need someone who stands up for me and dears to say against me. Someone who do not misunderstands my words and actions. I have a certain way. Some say I am complicated. I say that I am not. If you really know me you will not think that. Because the things I say and do are sometimes just a response or a fact. Not me trying to "cut of your hand." I am easily misunderstood and i see that in my friends at time. The ones who think that I do things because I am angry or pissed. But I am not. In general I except a lot. More than you would think. I just have certain comments that I can not stop. I am now working on them, because they are becoming more and more clear to me.

And all these thoughts - where do they all come from? I have my mind filled with stuff. Sometimes it is so much that I do not know what is reality and whats not. And the people who say they know me so well. I do not know really. You say you do and still my intuition tells me you think of me otherwise. Maybe it is my mind playing tricks on me.
This should not me difficult! I met a friend I have not seen in years yesterday. It was like nothing have changed. She has a boyfriend and said that it had never been so "easy". It was no games and complicated stuff. And it came to me that that is how it should be. There should not be a lot of problems. Then when you know it is wrong!

But what do I know - I am single!

I have a lot of people contacting me again after years not seeing them. It is a little weird. I keep wondering why? My antennas are non existing. So if you do not just want to be my friend. Tell me straight! But also do not take this literary! I do not wonder if all of you want something more. I do often misunderstand these sign for friendship. Because in my little world everybody just wanna be friends.
There are often elderly men stopping me at the street and asks if we can go for coffee or home to my place. What is up with that? What do I look like? I am curious!


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Thoughts...

I do not know why I think so much. At times my mind just take over and goes wild. I have all these thoughts and things in my head and it is starting to crush my persona.
Everybody has stories, thoughts, family, illness, happiness, love, friends and so on. But some people are good at not letting stuff get to them. How do you do this? Is it something they have inside or is it something you learn over years.

And the difference between men and women! Man they are huge. I was out on a Sunday stroll yesterday with a friend of mine. He has both his legs and a head on the top. He told me things that I have not been thinking about. As that you can not be friends with your ex when you are a guy! So all of you guys who are "best friends" with your ex, is that because you want to have some sort of control? And if you keep having sex with your ex you are still in some kind of relationship?

He also have good values and a good job. Getting youngsters to understand why they should not use drugs. He is a project manager in a new position. Made from youth organizations. As he travels around to Stockholm, London and other cities for conventions and listen to different people talk about how to keep youngsters away from drugs. When we went to school they had a project called "From Heaven To Hell". Where police tried to scare us to not try drugs. I will not say that it worked. Because I think that people that works with that should have experience.
It is easier for young people to see whats what if you show them reality! In these days I think a lot of people agree to that. They also know that if you do not have a network around you you can easily hit rock bottom! But where do the limit go?

As for myself I truly think that a person will try and do whatever he or she wants. Not thinking about the consequences during that time. But maybe open their eyes after a while and see. That people do go under, some die and some live their whole life as drug addicts. Others will go trough life without the people around them even knowing about their "wildlife".
These people has in others eyes just experienced with drugs. And people say, "I knew you would be alright. You are a strong person." That is just a comforting thought for yourselves!

When you think you know someone. Do you really ever? I am wondering about that so often that it has almost taken over my whole brain. I have people, friends, exes and family that say they know me. But I am not sure they do. Why do they not see how I am feeling? I know that some of it may be my own fault. Because I come out as a strong, harsh and cold person. But as i said before, I have feelings. I am a sensitive person. I am not as strong as everybody thinks. But they get this perception of me because I always smile. So I have to let my guard down. Let them see the real me. How do you do this?

I have been trough so much in my short life. I have seen the dark side of life. Looked into peoples darkest places. It is not a pleasant thing! But i still live. Like they say, I am "strong". But what defines strong? Is it that you have to experience horrible things?
That is not right. Some things that I have been trough I would not wish for my enemy! And this time around it is seeing my father getting more and more sick. It is heartbreaking! But it also gives me a new perspective to life. And i know that there is a lot of people whom i know that been through the same. Life goes on whatever. It is a harsh cold world! But it is for the sake of the people around us we do that. I known people who laid down and died because they lost their loved ones. When you only have one other person in life it is hard to go on with your life. I truly understand that!


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY

Time

What are we going to do about it all. Is it written in stone? All the things that happens to a person in life.

Are we all just pieces in a pod?

As the time goes by I keep wondering about all the incidents in life. All the things we go trough in one life. All the people we meet. There is a reason for all this I think. If you go back in time you find the thin red line and see how it all connects. Do not forget to remember whats what in between those lines. Every time you meet a new person, move, change your profession and break something off. It is because there is something to it. Something that is waiting for you to find it. I search and search - for people, LOVE, heritage, a place to be me and a world that is in harmony.

It is all question mark that I do not understand. I thought I did, but it hit me in the back and told me the truth. You never know someone! It is an unseen world in another dimension that I just do not get. But this is what it is. The time we spend in our everyday life to try to get it. But do we ever really get it?

I think as time passes by we adapt. Just accept things and situations, words and people. I have a problem with just accepting. I have the urge to know why, where and when. Some say I think to much. Other say i talk to much. I think neither. I am just me and no one else. It is to hard to try to be someone else. I often say things just to get an reaction. But it is just things. If someone would take the time to sit down and really talk to me they would be surprised. But would they ever know the real me?


Copyright © 2008 Lady AhY